On a getaway vacation, Kevin and I explore new terrain, hiking through El Dorado State Park in Colorado.  El Dorado means the gold or the gilded, a term that became popular in the gold rush days, when at another time people crawled this craggy land looking for the gold veining the Colorado Rockies, living hard, […]

I sit by the sea, digging my toes into soft sand, soothed by the crashing waves.  The sparkling vastness of the water glimmers behind my reading, God’s letter in my hands, soft from all my folding and unfolding. A prayer plants me like a seed buried to live in a wild, fertile love so big […]

Friday morning sun lightly peeks around the edges of the curtains.  I sit snug in the corner of the sofa early feasting on God, and Adam paces the downstairs rooms before school, his feet padding out a metronome count—this this this this THIS—against the floor.  This this this this THIS, this this this this THIS, […]

Riley comes home from work happy, initiating this, “Hey mom? One of the patients was so kind to me today.” She unloads her arms of purse and coffee cup, then unclips the badge from the collar of her shirt, and I wonder what it is about coming in from a day that we somehow also […]

I am strategic about where I place the pillows at night, once-in-a-blue-moon when Kevin travels, when I pad quietly up the stairs to go to sleep, having thought to start the dishwasher that he always starts at the last of the day, having thought—because I have to—to trace his nighttime steps around the house on […]

“Hey Riley?” Zoe’s voice comes light from my phone, which sits on the kitchen island in the center of the room as Kevin and I turn and twist around finishing dinner; Adam, announcing his echolalia, paces a fast, hungry track around the perimeter; and Riley sits at the bar facing us, wearing a listening grin, […]

I am with Riley now, on her first day of work, the way I will be with her on the third day, when I walk all the way into the hospital beside her, over those high-gloss floors, our reflections trembling and undulating like we’re walking on water, which really comes down–doesn’t it–to a fixing of […]

I’ve been saying all week, unstoppable smile stretching wide, I get to celebrate Adam, meaning that’s at the bottom of everything, and you will think that’s exactly right, as it should be, when I tell you it’s his birthday. Candles with tiny flames will flicker on top of the chocolate Oreo layer cake he requested, […]

They call him their Adam, these souls walking through the doors into the gathering place where Adam usually stands to welcome them on their way into worship, and, finding his spot blank because he has left his post for a moment, will miss him, will walk over to Kevin expressly to ask, where’s my man […]

Out on the run in the early morning, the light barely an hour old, Kevin and I wake up to the day together, having just come awake again to God, our blank hands turned up, open and empty. For years, it’s been like this, the two of us sipping our coffee in the predawn, desperate […]