oh please, remind me about my words
Sometimes the ironies of my life amuse me.
Every day after school, before I’ll let Adam get in the van, he has to have a short conversation with me–an appropriate greeting and the answer to at least one question. Adam is usually anxious to get in, having left his favorite treasures—George, his calculator, his mp3 player—on his seat when he left. Morning carpool is the same every day: Adam trying to convince the carpool duty teacher, “No school today!”; Adam forlornly dumping things in his seat; Adam hefting his book bag and climbing out. So in the afternoon, Adam is more than delighted to hear music playing as my window rolls open (whatever I’m listening to he starts over when he gets in) and more than ready to get in and resume whatever fun he was having before school. I mix up the question I ask him—sometimes How are you? other times How was school?—but he knows the routine. And sometimes he struggles so hard to remember the words he needs to answer me. I watch him shift on his feet, looking into the van, touching my hand with his fingers. Other times, like yesterday, he surprises me.
Yesterday, Adam walked over to my window after school and said, “Hi, Mommy. I am happy,” before I even opened my mouth. So I asked him another question.:)
Today, I did something parents like me do nearly as often as we make lunches for school. I zipped off a communication sheet full of reminders for Adam, possible answers to my “after school interview” for the days when the words just won’t come.
Recently, I participated in a meeting about something that really excites me, and the discussion digressed into such negativity that I finished it exhausted and discouraged. The next morning, I woke up still feeling awful. It reminded me of something I read in Eckhart Tolle’s insightful book A New Earth, in which he wrote, “…negativity is a disease on our planet. What pollution is on the outer level is negativity on the inner(213).” I felt like all the negative, unproductive conversation at the meeting had been like poison to my spirit. In Tolle’s book, he recounts a story about helping a woman in counseling to let go of some of her negativity, complaint, and resentment. As soon as she left, a friend of Tolle’s dropped by his office. Immediately, she asked him if something had happened in the room, mentioning that it felt “heavy and murky” in there and that it almost made her feel sick. She left quickly because of the feeling, and then Tolle ventured out to a restaurant for lunch. As he sat down to eat, someone nearby glanced quickly and intently in his direction and then became restless. Moments later, that man began arguing with a waiter, then turned to shouting abusive and vile words. Tolle writes, “intense, violent hatred filled the room (168).” It was as though on a spiritual level, Tolle had carried his client’s negativity with him all the way to the restaurant. And absolutely, the spiritual reality is the greater one.
I’ve seen the opposite scenario a million times hanging out with my dad. He’ll walk into a store, the post office, the bank, where ever, and someone looking pained and burdened will brighten. Dad seems to gravitate toward those people, intent on lightening their load and spreading a little joy. Having never met them before that moment, he’ll talk with them lightheartedly, smile, and laugh, and before we leave, they’re smiling and standing a little taller. I love that about my dad. He inspires me to do the same.
Words can build or destroy, depending on how we use them. And how we use them depends on the state of our own hearts. Christ said,
“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).”
And the apostle James warned,
“Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire…It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell….no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing….this should not be (James 3: 5-6, 8-10).”
I’ve been so struck by how unproductive, destructive, and obliterating are negative, hurtful, and disparaging comments, and by comparison, just how healing and empowering are genuine words of encouragement. One night this week, I nearly allowed someone to erase a dozen positive comments I’d heard with one intensely negative complaint. Isn’t it funny how easy it is, in the face of negativity, to forget a thousand positives? And then last night, at the end of the day when I felt my weariest, a dear friend texted me a message of love, thanksgiving, and encouragement that filled my eyes with tears and literally built me up from within.
For a long time, I’ve been inspired and challenged by the words of Ephesians 4:29:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
It’s a hard thing to only say what is helpful for building others up, but I so want to bless and not destroy others with my words. I want to build up or be silent. I want good things to flow out of good stored up in my heart, and for that reason, I’ve also come to realize that the battle begins there—in my heart. So, as I’ve lately been praying Ephesians 4:29, I’ve also been praying 2 Corinthians 10:5,
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Am I the only one who finds herself doing housework—especially ugly things like cleaning bathrooms—and realizes suddenly that she’s arguing in her head with a phantom person who has recently irritated or annoyed her? I cringe when I stand apart from those thoughts and recognize them as the unloving, selfish, arrogant part of me. I don’t like her. And lately, I’ve been doing some spiritual battle with her, and while I am no match for her, the Spirit of God can completely burn her away. Talk about obliteration. So, here’s what the Spirit has me doing:
- First, I needed some reminders. This irony amuses me so much! My son needs reminders to speak, and I need reminders not to! I have to be reminded continually about what should be said (build up!) and which words should never leave my lips. But I have two bracelets, both given me by people I love tremendously, that honestly help a redeemed sinner like me.
One is a mobius bracelet my parents gave me with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 engraved on it. It reminds me of how deeply I want to struggle to love God’s way, including through my words and even in my thoughts. The other is a beaded bracelet a friend made for me when we were both working on “doing everything without complaining or arguing (Phil. 2:14),” which is part of this whole words thing too. It reminds me to think about what I’m about to say before I say it. - Then, God has moved me, every time I catch “ugly me” telling someone off in my head, to stop and ask for forgiveness before I pray for that person or the situation they are in or we are in together. And you know, the funny thing about praying for someone else is that in the midst of that very action, the Spirit moves in a rearranges the furniture.
And in our house, where we all know without a doubt that words are extremely significant, God’s efforts with me tend to have a trickle down effect. Even Adam, who knows how to use “NO” to powerful effect, is learning the difference between “NO!” and “No, thank you.”:)
